Pressure Cooker

I was akin to a pressure cooker last week. The Temenggor Dam aka Lina's Dam broke on saturday. I can't believe it myself how badly stressed up I was.

I wanted to talk to someone so badly and I didn't get to until Thursday. By then, I was already so hard pressed from all sides. My mission team members were kind enough to wait up for me for supper (suppose to be a dinner meeting) because I had had another meeting in church which started late and ended past 10pm (suppose to start 8pm and finish 8.45pm)and God bless them... they just sat there listening to me talking for 1 whole hour (with them interjecting in on and off to ask me to eat). The dam did not break then because... I don't know... maybe I was still very worked out and my shield was up.

Then came saturday... wait before that... definitely has to start from the beginning again.

Ok... went for Don Carson's bible conference on tuesday and wednesday evening... he spoke about God's love... the Cross (& death)... about how people (me) like to do things their (my) own way (he mentioned Frank Sinatra's song... I think... I could be wrong. I am just bad with famous names and entertainment) and how we (me) do not allow God to work His will in our (my) life. Then he talked about God's love and about how Jesus loves unconditionally and that we (me) should do likewise as well.

(Exclusion Clause : This is just my summary of my understanding of the teachings for the 2 evenings that I have attended.)

Then, on thursday, Uncle Steven sms-ed me saying (in response to my sms about my ex-boss asking me for lunch) saying that I should not quit and go back to my old office. That would mean I am telling God that I want to do things my own way. He said that this could be a season where I learn to be dependent on God. Dejavu... Uncle Steven did not attend the bible conference!

Then,on Friday and Saturday, I have attended another conference in my church by Rebecca Manley Pippet. She said the same thing... as Don Carson... people like to do things their own way... not allowing God to work in and through them. Saturday was the crux... Becky was talking about God's love... about how Jesus ate and cared for the lepers, tax collectors etc... she asked this question at the end of it "How do you forgive the unforgiveable?"

You see... I had a huge row with my brother the other day and after that with my mom. I know I was not in the wrong but I dealt with it the wrong way... I responded in anger instead... I guess and I know I should have responded in love. But seriously, how do you respond in love to one who is just unruly, foul, irrational, and irresponsible? And my mom... after all that he has done and I have done in trying to clear off his mess... actually told me that I was in the wrong.

So, saturday the dam broke... I had to ask God for forgiveness for not allowing him to have his way in me... letting him use me in my new workplace... and letting him to deal with my brother and mom. God said to me... (believe it... God and I... we are great pals =D)that I have to let go and be free from all these self inflicted misery. We are still not talking as of today.

He said new workplace is my new mission field. My brother and my mom... it is between my brother and God; and my mom and God. He asked me to stay out and just let them say and do whatever they want... there's nothing I can do to shield them i.e. my brother from the perils of his pride and my mom from being heartbroken because of my brother. All He asks of me is to stand firm, not be shaken... and just be available whenever, wherever and for whoever.

Ai yar... I should not even be blogging... but I wanna to before I forget... getting old and memory is failing me =D

Dear Lord, I commit today to you again. I know I should let you have your way in me. I am learning father... it's difficult but I want you to have your way in me in every area of my life. It's not going to be easy... please be merciful to me. Dearest Potter, revive me... refresh me... renew me... and restore me, I humbly pray and ask all these in Jesus most precious name... Amen!